War on Judgement
by Hoboslayer95
Summary: This is a story about what happens to Hoboslayer me after Me. My Friends. And Other People. It's not supposed to be a masterpiece, just funny and abusive, that's why I wrote it. R & R If you flame me, you die.
1. Default Chapter

"Goddam Hazard 13, he had to go and look at some book because Hair Boy and Gimpy were so excited about it. Now it looks like I'm trapped in a Japanese video game… probably FFTA." I thought as I twirled the swords that had appeared in a belt around my waist about an hour ago.

For the last 15 minutes, since I had drawn the swords, the skin on my left hand had blistered, and now the pain was unbearable. I looked down. The pentagram on the back of my left hand looked more sharply detailed than it had been before I had drawn the weapon. Next, I looked at the hilt of the sword. It said Excalibur.

'Shit!" I screamed, flinging the holy blade into the woods along the side of the road as hard as I could.

"Eeeeeeeeeeee- _thunk_." A scream cut short. ' Who threw that," yelled a feminine voice "You killed my friend, and I'm out of Phoenix Downs!"

"I hope it hurt bitch!" I yelled, laughing.

' Engage!" yelled the creature that belonged to that obscenely high voice.

'Lady, were you castrated at birth or something, 'cause you could break glass with that voice." I groaned, covering my ears in pain.

"Tweeeeee! Today's laws are-"

'Oh great a tin can on an overgrown chicken… just send me back to hell, so I can rot," I snarled 'To hell with you and your laws."

"-no attacking, no techniques, no skills, no items, aaaaaaaaaaand-"

" What the hell are you PMSin' me for man, I haven't hurt you yet," I said "Just show me what I'm supposed to slaughter.

"Meeeeeeeee!" came the voice of doom, almost driving me to my knees. The voice belonged to an over-grown rabbit that jumped out from behind a tree, pulling back a bowstring.

"Shutupshutupshutup!" I roared, lunging forward. My El Cid met no resistance as it sliced through the bow, and smashed into the rabbit's face.

"Owwowowoowowowowowowow." Moaned the rabbit, drawing a new bow and firing point-blank into my side.

'That…was…my…goddam…liver…sonofabitch."

"Hey, no swearing gasped the can, evidently tired from sitting on the chicken for the 5 second battle.

'Both of you are gonna die," I said happily "Ultima Blade!" The ensuing wave of energy exploded out of the can, vaporizing all but the head, fried the chicken, and roasted the rabbit.

' Hmmm… food, well, I am hungry." I said, boxing up the chicken, and addressing it to Popeyes. I then proceeded to cut up the rabbit. Blood sprayed in huge red arcs out of the ends of the limbs that I had hacked from the rabbit… Viera I now remembered, and that can was a Judge, oh well, oops. I lit a fire, using the Viera's fur as tinder, and soon had a perfectly roasted rabbit leg, minus the foot. ' This tastes… different." I mused, falling asleep. I resolved to find Hazard 13 and Nite Joe in the night, when I was strongest.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: It Must Be Dangerous for lawyers to iron pants… They'd always have one hand in the pocket. So for those of you with iron prints on hands… fuck off. I don't own FFTA or any of that flying Arab.

(Sorry that I haven't updated, but nobody reviewed, so I stopped caring, but now that I'm back in school I've got nothing batter to do so here it is.)

I was up at dawn the next morning, cheerfully chopping wood, to build up a supply, in case I met any more vieras in a Jagd or something. I'd decided that I liked the taste. I whistled as packed up the bundle and tied it to my pack, and strode off towards Cyril.

A few hours later, my good mood evaporated, when a judge appeared out for nowhere, and kindly informed me that, I was in deep shit for murdering and cannibalizing a viera, and would I kindly tell him what it tasted like, because he'd always been curious. Then he suddenly doubled over.

"SHIT, SHIT." he screamed, grabbing his balls.

" What's wrong with you ya fuckin' can?" I asked with an expression of contempt.

"Stage Three Ball Rot," he groaned "The only cure is a transplant"

The judge advanced on me, a maniacal gleam coming from under the slit in the helmet. He pullet out an ornately decorated black dagger, with red scrollwork on the hilt and blade, and a pentagram on the pommel. I recognized it as mine. I had lost it when I had come to Ivalice.

"The transplant doesn't have to be willing either." He laughed.

"The hell it doesn't I said, "And you've got my dagger. Looks like I'll have to kill you, and then maybe I'll eat that stupid chicken that you rode in on."

The Judge charged, pulling a strangely shaped blade out of nowhere. It looked like a ball grafted onto a metal stick, only much flatter, and certainly sharper. The judge swung the blade as fast as he could.

I stood there watching it crawl through the air. However, as soon as it was past vertical the blade picked up speed. Luckily, it stuck in the turban of a passing pubmaster, who ran off, shouting my turban is dirty, before the plastic explosives in it detonated, taking with it a couple of trees, and the judge's sword.

" What the hell was that?" wondered the judge, looking at me for an answer.

" Ultima Blade." Was my only response. My El Cid blurred forward, releasing the stored energy in a huge violet wave that incinerated the judge and lightly roasted the mother of all chickens.

I cut up the chicken, stored it in an increasingly heavy pack, and moved off towards Cyril once more.

When I finally entered the pub in Cyril, and ordered one of everything on the menu, people started to move away from me. Just for fun, I drew my sword, went over to the table with the most people, and sank the point into the wood. "What are you schared of friendshs?" I slurred completely hammered. " Do you want some… MARIJAHUANA?"

" N-n-n-no, not really." Squeaked a moogle.

" How bout chu lizard man?" I asked a bangaa, not to drunk to notice the very nice black sword on his belt.

" You called my lizzzzard." Didn't you he said.

" Pure geniush this one!" I yelled sarcastically.

" You wanna fight?" screamed the lizard.

" I knew we'd get there in the end!" I yelled happily.

The bangaa leapt up, and swung his blade at my face. I simply gave into my drink induced swaying and toppled over. The blade whistled right into the wall. I staggered to my feet, and picked up a moogle.

" Ultima Chicken!" I roared, swinging the now glowing moogle at the bangaa, and hitting a Nou Mon sitting behind me, causing him and my weapon to detonate.

The bangaa advanced, grinning " There'sssss nowhere to run now human." He hissed

I had one chance… my beer mug. " Ultima Booze!" I shouted, and spun the mug into the bangaa's forehead. The lizard detonated, spraying the room with offal.

I took it's sword, and went in search of a cathouse, and evidently, I found it, because right here there's a huge gap in my memory.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I don't own FFTA. And I hate lawyers. So don't sue me.

( I personally think that this chapter is pretty bad, but I need something to be put up.)

I woke up in a forest with the mother of all hangovers. I dragged myself upward, and looked around, frowning. How did I get into a forest, when I had fallen asleep in Cyril? I continued to survey the site where I had been dumped.

"Shit shit shit shit shit." I said, seething with anger. My elCid sword was gone, as was my pack of supplies. All I had were two daggers.

I heard a crashing in the bushes.

" Hey dipshits!" screamed a strangely familiar voice. Trees came crashing down, and Hazard 13's mom appeared, with her two favorite weapons, the Maternal Taker-Awayer, and the Game System Jacker swaying menacingly.

" Holy..." was all that I had time to say before jumping aside to avoid having something of mine taken away. I ran… hard. Behind me, I could hear trees crashing down, and Hazard's mom bellowing about taking my GameCube…

"Ultima Blade… Ultima Blade I yelled, swinging at the ground to bring the massive energy of the attack to bear. The bellowing was getting closer. I immediately jumped as high as I could, grabbing a tree branch, and swung my legs up out of the way of the behemoth's weapons. She staggered into the hole that I had made with my attacks, and gazed around before starting to hack her way out of the pit

I moved off, and came to a strangely familiar campsite, covered in dried blood… I smiled the same place where I had found that Viera…

"Eeeeeeeeee" came a voice reminiscent of the last viera that I had met in these woods. The sound drove needles into my brain, magnifying the hangover that was causing my head to throb.

I still had the presence of mind to draw my only weapons, the two daggers. The weapons came out of their sheaths with twin rasps, and gleamed in the light.

Meanwhile, the voice was still screeching out it's banshee wail, defying the need of most living things to BREATHE. An arrow flashed out of the darkness, and I knocked it out of the air with ease.

"Show yourself, I'm hungry, and all my shit got stolen." I yelled at the Viera, who promptly fired another arrow, from behind.

I spun, but not fast enough. The arrow slammed into my shoulder, and sent me sprawling. The wound burned, and the skin around the arrow began to blacken. After checking to see that the shaft was not embedded in a bone, I snapped off the end, and bit down on it, and hissing with the pain, shoved the arrow out the other side.

"Tweeeeeeeeee. Today's laws are No Missiles, No Techniques, and No Status Ailments!" roared a judge.

" Are you guys always late?" I managed to gasp out, " Or do you really REALLY hate me?"

"It's the hate one." Said the tin can. Looking at me imperiously.

While all of this was happening, the Viera had crept up out of the woods, and was trying to position itself for an attack that would finish me off. I spun quickly, and leapt forward, doing a handspring that launched me feet first into the Viera. My boots took her in the face and chest, and broke her nose. She fell over, with my boots still on her. I looked down into her eyes, crossed my blades, and slit her throat.

" H-hey y-you can't do that" that said the judge, sending healing magic into the viera, whose throat healed.

" Look I really don't need someone left behind who will start a blood feud, and make my life difficult." I said to the judge, and jammed my dagger into the viera's throat, point first, twisting it to keep then wound open as the judge applied more healing magic. Finally the viera gurgled and died.

" The Council will make sure that you rot in Sprohm prison for the rest of your days for this unholy act said the judge, and warped away.

" Unholy is what I do." I said addressing the empty air.

Hours later, the door to a house with an eye marking the door blasted backward off of it's hinges.

"What can you tell me about the Council of Seven?"

"That was a pretty dramatic entry." said the Nu Mon as he came out of his sleeping quarters, dressed in a bra of all things.

"Yeeeeaaah… whatever, and aren't you a male."

" Don't ask," he said cheerfully " And nbow back to the drama

" T-there are seven major judges, and four minor ones, who move up when a major judge dies. The minor judges are drawn from the academy." No…no… please I'll do anything…" the pleading cut off as the speaker died.


End file.
